Buhtt sex?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
