im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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