so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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