Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
