New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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