This is not my ceiling
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
