they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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