mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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