ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
