Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
