if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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