Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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