I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
