i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
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Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
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I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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