i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
