White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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