WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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