I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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