i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
