I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Let's paint friendship bongs
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
