i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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