Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
