Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
