we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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