Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
