ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
