Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
it was like eating out sand paper
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
