I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
