Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
