I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
