After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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