Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
