I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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