Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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