omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
