so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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