Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
