He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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