I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
