If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
