dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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