Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
