drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just gargled with NyQuil
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