when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
