I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
