I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
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at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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