There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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