Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
