Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
