you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
