Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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