She tied me up with her honor cords...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
