Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
