I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
