Jerry, you need to find god
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
