Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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