How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
